Julie Noparstak, LCSW

Each of us has a separate self, yet we sometimes forget this as we become pulled in and connected with others. A new mother begins to learn these boundaries as she literally ‘births’ a new life. As the baby matures and grows, turning into first a toddler, then a preschooler, and continuing to transform right up into adulthood, the mother (parent) not only witnesses it, but moves with the child again through her own development.

The losses we face as we see our children grow and move away from us are complex and multifaceted. The child uses his inner resources to move away and expand, defining his Self more clearly. Good parents let the child separate, in small increments, into developmentally appropriate situations. When this happens, the child finds his strength and establishes a healthy sense of Self, learning to manage on his own.

The parent feels the loss, as the child begins to separate. We remember separations from our past, sometimes consciously recalling the uncertainty, fear, and hollowness, but most times these losses resonate more on an emotional level. The sadness that we have felt in our lives grips us tightly at times of separation, and our own unsupported Selves may cling and scream out. With effort, as we support the ‘other,’ bravely holding our fears at bay and letting go, we find healing.

The fear we feel is really only a misguided notion that without the other we may not exist or that if we let go, our child will fail, fall, or get hurt. It is in the letting go of our children that we reconnect with ourselves. We are complete in ourselves and it is through healthy parenting that we are given another chance to walk through and change our experiences. The scared and vulnerable parts of us again are exposed as we watch our children move out into their own lives. It is from here, as we manage our inner life by calming our anxieties and worries that we see more clearly. As we let our children go and support them to branch out and develop their true Selves, we change and grow too. We can handle this, we remind ourselves, as we remember who we really are, separate from the other.

There is a wish we hold inside to find completeness in another. The absence of this person, whether it is a temporary or permanent loss, opens us up to once again find our separate Self, the person we are when we aren’t expressing the influences of the others in our lives, but instead living the truth that calls to us. How easy it is to dismiss this Voice, and play out instead a drama that an ‘other’ begins to impose on us. With awareness, we focus inward, keeping our center.

With each new loss, whether it relates to letting our children grow up, losing friendships, relocating, divorce, death, or any other separations, we have the opportunity to reawaken our Self as it adjusts to these changes. “Who are we now?” we ask ourselves as our world has shifted again. It is with these losses that we find our strength. We feel vulnerable and breathe deeply and connect with our inner wisdom, finding more fully our truth, our Self. If we can tolerate the loss, letting ourselves feel in the now, the genuine sadness that is brought up from within us, we are able to walk through it, with our child in the present, freeing ourselves from the pain of our past. We see our child’s joy as they individuate. We feel relief and happiness too, as the truth is revealed to us again; we are connected, but separate. This is relationship.