Julie Noparstak, LCSW

We see it, sometimes, the sadness, gloominess, and lack of joy, in our children, and in ourselves. The feelings can last a few hours, after only a minor disappointment, but other times they linger for days, weeks, months, and even years. When we experience this with our child, we wonder, “What can I do? What happened to his ‘sparkle?”’

He may go on with the routine of life, but with a lack of joy. We try to push and coerce him to engage and ‘come out of his shell,’ only to find we are pushing him further away. Often, a highly sensitive child doesn’t say what is bothering him, fearing it will upset another.  This is the problem, then, for those who suffer unhappiness, despair, and depression because they often tune in to others’ feeling more than their own. If we force our child to participate and engage in the ‘norm,’ instead of embracing his own uniqueness, we do a disservice to all involved. The good and compliant child can easily become pulled into what is expected of him and loose sight of his own vision. He gets into a kind of ‘rut,’ having fallen into pleasing others rather than feeling free to self-express.

When we ask, “What’s wrong?” and the unsatisfying answer of “nothing,” comes back, we realize we have to find another way ‘in.’ As we watch our child struggle through a storm of uncertainty, we must validate that in him. He doesn’t know right then who he is, but we do, in a parental sense. We see the hope and inspiration that he brought into our life. As we shift our focus and instead see who he is and can be, rather that what he should be and do, things start to turn.

It can be a challenge for a child to be different, but it is only by embracing the true self that one finds relief from sadness and depression. A child who is a people pleaser won’t find inner peace because he isn’t living authentically. As he begins to stop denying the voice inside of him and instead pay attention to those inner promptings, change occurs, gradually, over time.

So, instead of parental prodding, there is an alternative approach where we step back into a supportive role vs. a controlling one. Our child’s path is his own. As we focus not on what he doesn’t want to do and be, and instead create a safe, loving and supportive relationship, we lay the foundation for self-discovery. This is what good parents do, actually, we are there for our children, to nurture, encourage, and guide.