Julie Noparstak, LCSW

 As parents, when we are acting from a place of authenticity and love, we have the ability, with self-awareness and discipline, to create peaceful and nurturing homes for ourselves, our partners, and our children. The key here is self-awareness, because with it, we can take the disparate and fragmented parts of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors and create an authentic connection first with our Self, and then with other people. From this place, we can interact with others from a place of openness to what a relationship will bring, versus having a predetermined expectation or control of another to get our needs met. The experience of this internal freedom to be authentic and present in our life sets us free. 

 What memories do you hold in your mind when you think of growing up and your own experiences as a child? What images and feelings come up when you think about how you were parented? All of us have a mixture of memories eliciting both positive and negative reactions, but as adults, we have the ability to create our own version of home for ourselves and our families. We often think carefully of the location, structure, size, school districts, and taxes when settling into a space. How often, however, do we think of the kind of emotional home we create? When emotions are recognized, understood, and processed, emotional regulation skills are being used. When emotions are managed internally, as a guide, we gain rich information about ourselves, other people, and situations. Our homes need to foster this emotional regulation and space and time for internal introspection so that communications and interactions are respectful and honest.

Parents typically study up on the practical care of children, but often stay unaware of the importance of being a spiritual and emotional guide and mentor. When a parent knows how to regulate their own emotions and has a healthy self-esteem and high regard for themself, they will be able to nurture and guide another from a place of wholeness, stability, and love. If on the other hand, the person is on automatic pilot and moving through life with little insight, the probability is high that they will not be thoughtful about the impact they have on others, often unknowingly transferring their own unfulfilled longings, insecurities, and emotional wounds onto their children and spouses. 

We grow and learn together, but it is in relationship with ourselves first that we can ground ourselves in our unique truth and personality. From this place of wholeness, we can enter relationships with others on a higher level and can learn to embody what we desire with intention. As we learn to be our own best friend, we can support our children’s needs with awareness. Our children enter the world dependent on us and our job as parents is to stay present with ourselves, first, so that we can support our children and others to live from their own truth. Our children will then reciprocate, having learned the tools of self-awareness and authentic living that we have modeled in our interactions with them. This is the foundation for healthy life-long relationships with those in our inner circle. 

Children are noisy, messy, expensive, and very demanding, but they are also creative, joyful, and inspirational beings. When we look at our children and see their personality and individual interests, talents, and passions, we can reframe our approach to nurture and guide them to discover their true selves on their journeys. Respecting the needs of others in a household is something that is ideally modeled by parents who then support their children in developmentally attuned ways to think about how they impact others in a space. This of course is the same concept children will need in school where they spend a lot of time listening, interacting with, and being around others. Being able to spend this internal time processing not only what we are feeling, but also observing the scene and people around us, is a skill we can teach our children with self-aware and consistent parenting practices. When children are encouraged to go inward and practice self-awareness, emotional regulation, and positive self-talk, they are solidifying a sense of Self and building a foundation of self-love. Isn’t this what we want for our children?