To live in authenticity, we need to care for our body, mind, and spirit, and as we care for our Self, we strengthen our inner connection. From this place, where we are acting as our own best friend, we have the ability to nurture healthy and positive relationships and interactions with ourselves and others. There are six pillars of self-care that will be outlined here and they are the surest path to grounding in one’s truth and authenticity.
The Six Pillars of Self Care
- Sleeping and Resting our Minds and Bodies
- Eating Nourishing Foods in Healthy Portions
- Exercise and Movement
- Emotional Regulation Tools and Practices
- Meditation, Mindfulness, and Spirituality
- Scheduling and Organizing Time
By using the six pillars of Self-care as a guide, we can develop daily tools and habits to stay centered and intentional about creating healthy habits for ourselves and our children. When we feel good, we can lift our Self up into higher levels of awareness where we are actively engaged, recognizing our role in focusing on our inspirations and dreams. When we don’t take care of ourselves by not eating or sleeping well, when we don’t exercise, practice meditation and mindfulness, or fail to manage our emotions, we are often running rogue with no internal guidance. The result is typically haphazard circumstances fluctuating from regret of the past to anxiety of the unknown. Instead, consider focusing inward and using The Six Pillars of Self Care.
Sleeping and Resting Our Minds and Bodies
Sleep is one of the most important parts of a healthy lifestyle, but it is often neglected in the busyness of life. With to-do lists and the demands of parenting, work, and managing life, sleep is often compromised. When our bodies and minds are tired, we cannot think clearly and then we often don’t make choices that are in our best interests. We can’t concentrate, we make more mistakes in our work, we are irritable with others, and we often soothe ourselves in unhealthy ways, not realizing that all we need is some sleep.
To fall asleep, we have to feel safe within ourselves. Tuning in and paying attention to our experiences is the key to knowing what we feel and need so that we can manage our lives and experiences intentionally. Who can go to sleep when they are in a state of anxiety? In the opposite vein, depression can make people oversleep which then creates havoc on a healthy sleep/wake cycle, affecting all aspects of one’s life and relationships. Caffeine, television/social media distractions, work and family demands, addictions, avoidance, and many things can interfere with a healthy sleep pattern.
Journaling, yoga, meditation, and calming body care (showers, baths, massages, etc.) all contribute to relaxation and disconnection from the day, activities, people, and distractions. Self-talk and time alone are needed to settle oneself into rest. What is often not realized, however, is that the mind too can prepare for rest by having a schedule and a plan for sleep. Bedtime routines for children are helpful and they are an equally important structure to have as adults. Setting a bedtime and waking up time is a start. In the same ways we structure nighttime for our children, we can do an adult version for ourselves. Washing up, brushing teeth, and putting pajamas on are concrete tasks that signal the shift that we are preparing for sleep. Bedtime stories and quiet games and puzzles are recommended, and these work for grown-ups too. We try not to overstimulate our children at night, so with intention, we can resist the pull of social media and news to opt to spend time in a creative pursuit, reading, stretching, or connecting with a partner.
Finding ways that feel right to unwind and destress from the day can be identified by each person, and then planned for by putting dedicated time into our evening for them. With a commitment to gently nurture and parent ourselves to rest and sleep throughout the night, we can develop quality sleep habits and routines. When our children see us practicing our own dictates to them, the sleep wars with be greatly reduced.
Eating and Food
Food is the basis of life and a fundamental pillar in the Self-care model. Developing a positive relationship with food is important. From this place, parents can authentically guide children to nourish their own bodies and minds in healthy ways and to also appreciate and enjoy the sensory pleasures of food. Food is not love, yet it can be misused as that. It is loving to feed and nourish ourselves and others in healthy ways, and we all gain emotional satisfaction from eating and enjoying delicious food. It is a tricky balance though, when food is used to soothe emotions and pain and to manage things that have nothing to do with nourishment.
Our upbringing and heritage, our culture, and our personal dispositions all play into how we use and manage food in our lives. Our life experiences with food and eating push us forward, and patterns get set. In our busy lives, eating can get rushed, and unhealthy habits can get quickly set in place without mindfulness and self-awareness. Making rules will benefit parents and children. Taking time to eat together and blending it with communications and positive connections nourishes us all not only physically, but emotionally as well. Family patterns and cultural influences can be incorporated in healthy ways and the negative influences eliminated and avoided with awareness and intention.
Exercise and Movement
Our bodies are our homes and if we think about this from a place of deep contemplation, our approach to ourselves can be one of a loving priority. As we embrace good self-care and learn to love and exercise our bodies every day, then our minds and spirits have a place to express, grow, and create. Children are naturally active and if given the opportunity, instinctively move and exercise their bodies in play. This innate ability of connection with the body enables us to live and enjoy life through it. As children age, they develop interests in sports and activities that can fuel active passions and make activity a built-in part of their lives.
Parents must work to combat the lure of the sedentary lifestyles and provide structure for themselves and their children to care for their bodies as a critical part of self-care and the family routine. Yoga is highly recommended and can be done individually, as a couple, or with the entire family, even with very young children. Yoga provides a wonderful blend of connecting mind/body/spirit. Family activities can be varied depending on location, finances, and interests. Sharing walks, bike rides, doing yoga/stretching are simple ways to start including movement into your days. As interest and opportunities arise, physical activities can become a solid foundation in our lives.
Sports and recreational activities can be embraced by families as bonding experiences and can lead to a lifetime of enjoyment and health. Think about what makes you tick. As parents it is important to identify the things we are drawn to today and even those things we wish we had tried before. Parenthood is a wonderful time to go back and revisit hobbies from your past or activities that you have always wanted to try and explore. Taking introductory levels with your children vicariously or together are opportunities for expansion and exploration. Just as we need to eat and sleep, our bodies need to move and stretch every day.
Mindfulness, Meditation, and Spirituality
What exactly is this thing called Mindfulness? It has become a catch phrase in recent times and is often used quite casually. It appears to be a simple concept— to only focus on the present moment, but in truth it is a lot more difficult than it sounds. The noise from the outside is often very loud and distracting and most of us weren’t taught to truly listen to our own thoughts or to pay attention to our own feelings. Often negative experiences throughout our lives create havoc on our minds where we must combat negative and critical self-talk. “How do you feel?” we ask our children, and early on children can be cued to answer as they think they must, or to respond in a way that is appropriate. How many of us have felt some negative and unacceptable thing and when asked didn’t admit it or covered it up with some masking of the truth? “I am fine. Everything is fine.” Going inward then, is what we need to do, and it is often counterintuitive to our learned and taught instincts. Unfortunately, in our socialization, we are often taught to conform, rather than relate to and interact with our inner world.
Prayer and Spirituality can be one way to access this connection with our truth and authentic nature, the divine in us. A word of caution here is needed, however, as this avenue can put the source of knowing outside ourselves. Trust in God, for example, if interpreted as the church’s doctrine or religious dogma and beliefs, puts us at risk of loss of Self. Trust in God, if interpreted as my God-like or best version of myself, (i.e., the authentic Self), can bridge a connection to the strength within us, however we define the Source. This connection with higher level awareness is a personal journey and we all must make sense of it from an introspective and internal focus. It is the thoughts and feelings we have that are ours alone and these subtle messages and insights are in fact our inner voice. Self-aware parents must nurture in themselves first the ability to calm the noise within and without in order to hear our inner wisdom and truth so we can model and teach our children to so the same.
The quiet whispers from within cannot be heard unless we develop a practice of listening. How do we do this? Meditation is recommended as the most effective way to begin this inner connection with Self. Even if one starts with just a few quiet minutes a day, preferably in the morning, when our bodies are rested, and our minds are fresh and not overloaded with external stimuli, the benefits are immense. In this quiet space we notice our thoughts and our feelings and ask for understanding and guidance to move through our day authentically and with intention. If we sit in stillness, our inner voice begins to dialogue with us.
Insights will come if you listen and open yourself to this process. When we ponder a problem or question by placing it up for contemplation within our mind, we can meditate on it. The answers are not usually immediate. As our meditation ends, we leave the question in our minds. The waiting is interesting because as we move mindfully into our days, continuing a relationship with Self, one will find that solutions present themselves if we just stay aware. An ad on TV may give us an idea, we may see another doing something that we feel impelled to try, or a comment or book recommendation may come at us with a solution. If we stay mindful, rather than forcing and pushing forward, life plays out in miraculous ways. Just try it, it works.
Emotional Regulation
The world of feelings can be a vast and mysterious place. We all have emotions and when we can identify, name, and process them– children and adults alike, we are liberated. This is emotional regulation. When we manage emotions with coping skills and approach them with curiosity, we get data that can guide us in our lives. When we learn how to accept and live with our emotions, we realize that they are not frightening, but in fact one of our most useful tools for living. Our feelings and instincts are our own, and they are responses to our unique experiences. No one else interprets things the way you do. As parents, it behooves us to keep this in the forefront of our minds when interacting with our children. The goal is not to convince others, but rather to guide them on this inner exploration and understanding of their own feelings by modeling and teaching Self-awareness. From this centered place, we realize the power to create and manage our experiences with integrity.
When we are working to stay aware and acting from a place of grace, compassion, forgiveness, and love, then we do not project our unregulated emotions onto others. Parents often get frustrated, stressed out, and overwhelmed, but when we are aware of this internal situation by identifying, processing, and understanding our emotions, we can manage them in ways that are mindful of ourselves and others. Connecting with our partners and children in awareness creates not only harmony in the home, but supports respect and nurturing connections in all of our relationships, fostering positive self-esteem in all.
When you yell at anyone, a child, spouse, or stranger, you, the person yelling, is out of control. When you worry and fret about things that haven’t happened or are imagined fears, your mind is out of control. The same is true when we ruminate repeatedly about our mistakes and traumatic experiences. When we are in this heightened state of emotion, we are not connected with our authentic self. Unregulated emotions can be directed inward or projected onto others. In either case, the damage is serious, causing emotional wounds. These wounds can be healed with reparative actions, but often, they are not brought to awareness. The internal suffering that is felt can be so great that unhealthy ways to cope are established. When we begin to recognize these negative patterns, we can shift in the moment, with self-awareness, into a new response.
Overtime with consistent attention, the help of teachers, therapists, and self-learning, we are pulled forward toward healthier emotional regulation and the old negative patterns diminish. This takes diligent practice, but the rewards of Self-control and Self-pride feel good and are healing. When we act in ways that we are proud of, and teach our children to do the same, self-love is the feeling that everyone can experience in our peaceful homes where emotional regulation is taught, practiced, and expected.
Schedules and Organizing
The importance of planning and creating schedules cannot be stressed enough as it will take self-awareness to identify and tune into what is needed for one’s day, week, month, and beyond. Distractions of social media, tv, work, family, and social obligations can derail us unless mindful planning and organization tools are used. It is with intention that we set the trajectory of our days and when we use forethought and plan, at least the night before, but ideally at least a week or more in advance, we are setting ourselves and our families up for success. If our minds can prepare for the next day’s expectations, magically while we sleep, the resistance to do good for ourselves decreases. We wake, meditate and connect with ourselves to revisit our intentions, and the momentum is established.
This plan, of course, must include all the important scheduling demands of running households, caring for and transporting children, being productive with work, and fulfilling creative projects. The area people often miss is self-care and centering practices. Daily meditation and time for inward connection must be planned if it is to happen. The same goes for exercise and self-care. How many of us say there isn’t time for basic self-care? The energy here is misguided. If we are Self-aware, we can practice self-care and centering as a priority to stay authentic and grounded. By feeling good and staying in touch with our own truth and authenticity we can be better versions of ourselves as well as much better partners, parents, and friends.
Forgetting about our own needs will lead to a myriad of situations where we can get lost in providing for others and hoping that another will fulfill our needs in kind. The concept of living authentically involves having individual boundaries so that we can join with others from a place of wholeness. No one can meditate or exercise for us, so when a parent realizes they must put themselves on their own agenda, they will come to understand that not only is it not selfish, but in fact it is teaching our children though modeling that self-care is part of self-awareness.
Selfish is a misleading word in this situation, a better phrase would be– Self-love. When we focus first on our Self, it is Selfishly loving. Nurture this inner connection and mindful approach to scheduling your own and your family’s commitments and your children, over time, will learn how to do it for themselves. What a freeing experience this is for parents to see our children individuate and act independently. This is a gift our children will carry with them throughout their lives.
Julie Noparstak, LCSW 
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