Julie Noparstak, LCSW

When we look at our children, we see glimmers of ourselves. Reflecting on our parents, we realize we’ve inherited many of their traits, habits, and behaviors, just as our children inherit some of ours. In self-aware parenting, we strive and are excited to pass on the positive attributes we feel proud of, as we do our best to raise children well. However, it is the underlying aspects—those not always visible in a mirror, yet still apparent despite attempts to conceal or ignore them—that need to be identified and addressed, with the goal of transforming them into more constructive qualities.

Whether it is temper tantrums, defiant and disrespectful behavior, bad grades, experimentation, overeating, overspending, or any of the other negative expressions that we see evolve in our children, we must step into our own selves before we can reasonably expect to help and support our children. As we peruse our minds and spend time in contemplation, meditation, and good honest living, we are prompted with thoughts that say, “I really should quit smoking, drinking, gambling…, exercise more, eat healthier, cut back on TV and social media, reign in my spending, get more sleep, treat a loved one better, forgive an enemy, etc…” If we ignore our budding awareness when we parent, those vices then become the easy way to block growth, healing, and change for ourselves and our children.

Here is the danger, then, when we use external things to dull our thoughts and feelings into oblivion –we often take on the same behaviors and emotional responses that we learned as children. Generational patterns are often passed down unconsciously, and as they brew below the surface, the magnetism seems to win out. It is true, that as hard as we try to cut off and deny our feelings, problems, and issues, they are still there, and the repression only gives them more energy.

When we see the drama playing out with our own children and we get emotionally triggered, we need to take a clear look at ourselves. An awareness seeps through where we can accept and realize that the only way to help our children is to honestly confront our own hidden demons. These are the ugly behaviors that express when we are stressed, overtired, overworked, or pushed to our breaking point. On most days, we do a good job keeping them hidden, but we can’t hide them so easily under difficult conditions. Boom, they come out at times when we feel overwhelmed.  We hurt another, we hurt ourselves, and we show our children negative coping mechanisms and validate living under a veil of deception.

How do we stop this? How do we change? This is a tricky business, and there are many obstacles. Families are often quite savvy at keeping the status quo so that no one rocks the boat. It is only when individuals have the courage to step out and search for healthier alternatives that the cycles begin to change. Often there is a lot of resistance in the system to this, as this growth threatens the family’s equilibrium. As parents, we need to really validate our children as they begin to change and grow and then use this opportunity to not stay stagnant, but instead to move, to be open, to experience the new, to heal.  This is the gift our children give us if we let ourselves see it.