Julie Noparstak, LCSW

It can be slow and gradual; the transition of our parents’ reliance on us, or it can be sudden. As we move into this role, of caring for our aging parents, we find ourselves immersed in a new kind of reality. How does this feel, to lose our own parental dependence and begin to help our elderly parents more and more? It is painful and sad, but it is a situation that is unavoidable, so as life happens, we arrive to find ourselves here. If there are siblings, reconnections are made as the busy mid-lifers work to manage the situation, whether illness, injury, crisis, or death. If one is an only child, the burden isn’t as intimately shared, but he too draws support from extended family and friends. Whether our parent is infirm and loosing physical independence and mental capacities, or dies, we mourn, we despair.  We feel deep sadness and work to manage our strong feelings of fear and worry of this loss and all that it entails.

It is from this vulnerable place, where we draw our strength. We realize we are not really alone, but carry a lifetime of memories within us. We watch our parents age and decline, and we remember it all, in our hearts. The good, the bad, and even the ugly appear for review. Parental love is usually a given, but our parents too, were human, with their own unhealed parts. Our relationships with our mothers and fathers carry scars and wounds within them, sometimes processed and resolved, other times not. We also learn new things about our parents that we may have never known, as their affairs are reviewed and put in order. We try to make sense of it all, but it can be overwhelming.

How do we manage now? What do we do? What would they want us to do for them? As these questions arise, we wonder about ourselves, and our own choices and mortality. What would we want, at the end of our lives? If we can tolerate these thoughts, we lean on, listen to, and trust the knowledge that comes to us. Our Self remains connected to those who leave us physically and mentally. Those who have already lost a parent know they don’t stop thinking of him or her, ever. When a parent has dementia, we remember and stay connected to the Self we knew. This is how it works; it is in our relationships, over time, past, present, and future, that we become who we are. Our parents, whether they were the best of the best, or the worst of the worst, influence our growth, always.

The goal of parents is to foster a happy and healthy independence for their child, with a forever connection. Good parents help a child individuate and find his own way, by guiding, cheering, and staying present. As we see our parent regress, age, and leave us, we emotionally begin to simultaneously let them go, but also keep the best parts of them within us. We feel independence now, on a gut level. When living in authenticity, wanting to grow and evolve, we will continue processing our parental relationships for the rest of our lives. As we walk through it ourselves, living in the moment is key, letting go of past anger and hurt, forgiving. Valuing the time we have, even if it is a disruption to our routine, is important. It is in the time we invest ‘in relationship,’ that we grow, find inspiration, and healing. As we move through the elder years with our parents, we become wiser, stronger, and more fully ourselves.